Obedience and worth

I want to take a moment to remind you or share with you for the first time in your life that obedience has nothing to do with your value. You are more than your ability to comply. Obedience is not a determinant of worth and value. There is a distinction between this sense of worth and validation comes from being having a purpose and an obligation to follow certain ideas, rules or values to be considered worthy or valuable.

The idea that compliance and obedience is more important than emotional experience is often taught in childhood. I want to use an example to highlight the distinction that I'm making If we go out into a store and there is a toy aisle or just an item of interest to a young child We think we've all been in the position where we have seen or heard a child yell or scream or cry or hold onto a toy longer than the adult that is with them wishes. That event is often discussed through the lens of the adults. How embarrassed the adult is that the kid is throwing a fit. Or how annoying it is to be in a store hearing a kid’s melt down. However, the perspective of the most vulnerable person in that scenario is typically not discussed, assessed or valued. Culturally the focus is centered on some version of idea the child is being disruptive and is breaking the social norms of how to behave in public. Rather than focusing on how challenging it is to learn to accept no or how learn how to deal with disappointment. The child’s disruptive behavior is given more attention than their emotional experience.

This idea of compliance over everything is often reinforced in school and work environments. So how is this concept relevant to therapy? When we are learning to do something new, we are often unlearning old rules, beliefs and values systems. In other words, we have to become intentionally disobedient. Breaking implicit or explicit rules in work, home, or family environments can bring into sharp focus these cultural lessons and beliefs around obedience. It can create distress and lead to dysregulation and confusion. How can doing the right things feel so bad? Maybe that means it isn’t the right thing to do? So in those moments of confusion. I hope this message can serve as a reminder. Obedience never correlates to your worth. At whatever point you are experiencing in your life journey, you are actively writing your own rules of the road. You can choose uphold all, some or none of the beliefs that you were raised to believe. Whatever your choice, your worth isn’t determined by your ability to comply. Your worth is inherent. Obedience can correlate to many things in life, but it is never related to your value.