If you are in need of a mental reset

If you are feeling upset or if you're having a tough moment and you need help resetting yourself mentally I want to offer a question that you can ask yourself that maybe really helpful. The question is what am I telling myself this means. I want to take a moment and explain why this question can be really helpful. By asking yourself what am I telling myself this means it separates the event from your interpretation of that event. Part of my work when I am supporting people is helping them absorb the difference between a thought and a feeling. Culturally we often use the phrase “I feel” to describe an interpretation or an analysis of what's happened. I feel like you don’t love me anymore. I feel like this the best thing ever. It's so diffuse in our language and culture that we absorb the idea that the interpretation is the feeling itself. And if the interpretation is the feeling then that can quickly translate (implicitly quietly and in the background of our mind) as what I am feeling factual represents what happened. Take the time to slow down and to understand that there is the event, there is your interpretation, and there are feelings related to the interpretation. Each is separate from the other.

Let's first talk about a reset in a game. We can reset in a sports game like bowling, in a video game, or a board game. There are so many reasons why we might stop and reset. Typically there has been some kind of disruption or issue. When it becomes clear that a reset is necessary. Generally, we stop our progression in the game. Pieces of the game may move or restart, but those changes do not erase our knowledge about the game. We still are able to recall what we know about that game and what we know about what's coming. The same can be true for a mental reset. A mental reset is a chance to stop this current level of engagement or interpretation. A mental reset doesn't change that there are certain triggers or activating factors in our life that are going to provide the challenges in this particular moment. A mental reset says now that I know what's happening let me use this knowledge to my advantage.

So how does a reset play out in real life. Let's say you're preparing dinner and you communicate to your partner that you're planning to make spaghetti. And they say “oh OK”. Depending on the tone, the volume, and your partner’s specific communication pattern that response is open to interpretation. Its the difference between “Oh ok!” and “oh…..ok” For the sake of this example let's say that you interpret their response as disappointed. Suddenly your mood shifts from excited to having your favorite meal to anxious (or mad or apathetic). You recognize this shift and you ask yourself “What am I telling myself this means?”. Maybe you recognize you are telling yourself it means that you are only allowed to be as excited as your partner is. Maybe you're telling yourself it means that the efforts you put in to enjoying life aren't valuable to your partner. Maybe you tell yourself that it means they don't appreciate you or see you. The event is you shared what you were preparing for dinner. You interpreted their response as being disappointed. You have your feelings about their response based on what you are telling yourself it means that they are disappointed.

From this place you have a variety of options, you can ask your partner directly how they are feeling about dinner. You can tend to your own feelings. You can plan a fend for yourself night so that you can enjoy your meal and your partner can have a meal that they enjoy. You can ask for more input from partner in terms meal preparation and planning. The point is you have given yourself a reset to understand what is happening and given yourself permission to identify a more effective plan to address what you are experiencing.