Reimagining Boundaries
The beginning of the year is a great time to practice, reinforce, and establish boundaries. People are still reflecting on what lessons were learned in the previous and goals for themselves (personal, financial, professional, etc). Boundaries can be easily misunderstood as strict rules or diluted down to specific responses in outlined situations. While it is helpful to have specific language to use when practicing establishing boundaries. Boundaries are more than the language we use or the actions we take. Boundaries are deeply connected to how we decide to honor and utilize our energy. Boundaries are tired to honor we honor ourselves as we are now and the future we want to cultivate for ourselves. It is natural to experience distress when doing something new, especially if you are used to placing others’ needs above your own. Clear understanding of why, how and what to do next can help in alleviating (not eliminating) the stress.
Connect to your values: Write down 5 values that are important to you that you want carry in all relationships and settings. Knowing what your values shape your internal narrative about your boundaries. a strong internal narrative is helpful in combating any external competing narrative about how other people may feel about your boundaries.
The focus is how you will honor yourself: Often how we are taught about a version of boundaries that is rooted in an attempt to control. A common example would be “I won't let you talk to me that way.” In that example, someone is trying to control how another person speaks to them. That is not something within your control. How someone speaks to you is never within your control. You can control how you speak to someone. You can control how you respond to another person. In other words you can only manage yourself in any given situation. Boundaries are not rooted in what someone will or won’t do. Boundaries are rooted in how you maintain your safety and honor your own needs and values. So if a value you have is respect. Then that includes yourself. Meaning that you choose to place yourself in environments that feel respectful and minimize, limit, or avoid engagement in environments that do not. So if someone is speaking to you in a way that feels dishonoring or disrespectful the boundary is not I won't let you speak to me that way. The boundary is I don’t participate in conversations that feel disrespectful.
Communicate your boundaries clearly: Once you know what your boundaries are, it's important to communicate them to others. Don't assume that others will automatically know what you need or want. this can be tricky and even distressing. A defense strategy when an environment or a person is chaotic is to use nebulous or generalizable communication to prevent an unpleasant outcome. Leaning into being intentionally clear can be very difficult. Trusting that clarity is ultimately beneficial can feel distressing. Being confident and brief can help. So in the example we have been using that communication make look like “We can keep talking as long as we keep it respectful” “I am not comfortable with yelling. We can try again now or we can take a break and try talking about this again later. Which do you prefer?”
Respect the boundaries of others: Just as it's important for others to respect your boundaries, it's also important for you to respect the boundaries of others. Adjusting to the boundaries of others helps to normalize the process.
Be prepared to focus on regulating yourself: change is challenging for all involved. Learning to verify and maintain boundaries as challenging and dynamics changing within a relationship is challenging. Can care about how someone is feeling about the changing dynamics. ultimately your responsibility is to regulate yourself to build a healthier dynamic.
